When addicted to alcohol, I personally had alcohol 24/7. Right at the end of my addiction I would actually sleep with it under my pillow. I had it at the side of my bed as anybody would, but after my door got kicked in and my drink stolen, I kept it closer to me just in case anybody would take it again.
I would kill dead things if I didn’t have a drink, but this was not often as the last thought on my mind before I slept was (as it was all day), having a drink to wake up to every waking minute of the day. I was drinking and while drinking I was thinking about not running out of drink, so my entire life every minute of it was getting a drink or drinking.
It owned me. It had me by the balls. It’s funny to me now that I am the worst person for budgeting money; I feking can’t. But on the alcohol I was good at budgeting. I always had alcohol. If I never had money, I would get it. I would steal, beg and ask loved ones who usually always gave me a few pounds anyway. I would lie about needing food, but they knew it was for drink.
But I knew they would give it to me, just in case I really did need it for something….that’s what loved ones do. Even though I knew this I manipulated anyone I could, lied to everyone, told my sad story to anyone who I thought would give me money, if I needed it.
You become a master manipulator and good liar– a great liar, in fact, but when you’re an alcoholic you have to survive and will do what you’re good at. Mine was all of the above; family knew you were at your work, strangers were a target to me. At the end of the day, as long as I had my alcohol, I couldn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything. This part of surviving came in real handy when I lived on the street which I will talk about later in my blog. I feel bad the way I have treated my family in the past; really bad, but all I can do is stay sober, and this makes them happy and that’s the main thing.
To all those strangers who I lied to and manipulated, you are good people. Don’t stop walking by people like I used to be, cause you never know; one day they might surprise you!
I sit sometimes with the people I used to drink with on the street, some homeless and in really bad health. But having that next drink is all they are living for at the moment. I tell them I’m off it and life is great and that’s it. I don’t give God speeches or lectures cause all they want is their next drink, so they don’t even need to ask me; I get them a drink anyway and their faces light up. There’s only one person that can stop them and that is themselves. For me now, it’s that simple. I wanted never to drink again and no one else would have done that for me. Seeing drinkers still going through it also reminds me how lucky I am. May God give them their own strength to say to themselves, “Fuck this, this isn’t life!” Out there only the strong survive, so next time you see an alcoholic just remember, it takes the strength of 10 people to get by in life when you are dealt the alcoholic hand; not a waster, not a scumbag, all it takes is one wrong turn in life for that to be you!!
#Someone’s Son, Someone’s Daughter#
May 17, 2017