Sometimes we tell people we are ok, but we aren’t. I have said things in my Blog that people know about but are things that most if not nobody knows. I tried a couple of times to end my life and hate with a passion those bastards that say he or she is just doing it for attention.
Why would anyone take a hand of tablets or cut themselves just for attention? How the fuck do they know what tablets, or what cut will do to them? Do you think they do the medical research on what tablets to take or where to cut themselves before they fucking do this? This attention scenario is a fucking myth when people come to that decision to leave this life. When I tried, if I succeeded, no one would have known until the smell of my corpse got some complaining.
I have been living in England and no one knew for a couple of months, fuck sake. I have gone on missing lists for years and not once have I been reported missing, lol. That was just who I was. I have woken up in Manchester and to this day haven’t a fucking clue how I got there. Belfast to Manchester is a long distance and a fucking ocean away and I can’t swim, lol.
Anyway, one of my attempts, whatever tablets, I had taken hundreds of the fuckers. I took what they called a psychotic breakdown. People will tell me I was psychotic, lol, but I can remember I was going crazy. I was convinced I had witnessed the murder of my kids, and all the people were telling me it was the effects of the overdose. I screamed and screamed. I ended up being restrained, and it took me a long time to believe this was not true. But that night I did try to kill myself, and my whole reality fell apart for a while.
My drinking was getting me the stage way back then, even. I did not want to face this road I was on! I wanted to die so bad. Another night I sliced my wrists, got drunk, and prayed not to wake up. I lived on my own this time, so if I had succeeded no one would have found me for a long time. But yet again, I did wake up, got drunk, and forgot about it.
A drink, even though it was the main cause of my problems, was also making me forget I was doing these things that I really needed help with. But being an alcoholic, I was ashamed I was doing these things and ashamed of being me. So I just got drunk, forgot, moved on. My last drink was different. This time, the drink was not taking away the fear, the pain. It wasn’t taking away anything. Usually, when I felt sick, I had my drinking down to an art. I would just drink more, and the sickness would go away.
This time blood was coming up — a lot of it. I didn’t know we had that much blood in us. I had filled a sink bin, and my floor was red. I tried my usual drinking more to take away the fear, but it wasn’t. My son was calling that day, I was taking him out somewhere, which for me I was lucky he called. He probably saved my life. I was that weak. I had fallen and struggled to open the front door. Later, he told me it was the scariest time of his life. But here’s what drink was doing to me. I was still convinced if I got drink from the chemist, one of them stomach drinks, I would be okay. He kept saying to phone an ambulance and I said, “Do not phone an ambulance. I will be okay.” Anyway, the story goes, it was the pharmacy who made him phone an ambulance and I am lucky he did!!
I think I said earlier this was my last drink, but it wasn’t. Within 3 months, I had another two similar incidents. I was always with someone on each occasion, for which I am grateful, because if I hadn’t, I would be dead. My actual last drink is a post all on its own, so when I am ready I will write it. (self-employed, lol)
My point of this post: no one ever knows what someone is going through, even their family. My alcoholism became my family. It helped me through everything, yet the alcohol was the fucking actual thing destroying me.
Sometimes we don’t even know who we are, so how the fuck can even those close to us know what we are going through? There’s no answer to why alcoholics are alcoholics, but one fact is: it will kill us if we don’t stop.
So many questions, not many answers!!
July 13, 2017