Threw my drunken decades ,loved ones passed away😣.my constant heavy drinking, help me avoid these times with perfection😐 no real sad feelings after the intial shock just total nothingness😕.

Now getting sober i wish days like this never came around.i have never let people into my life at all.but there  are ppl in our lives you dnt get the say on that enter your life .these ppl are family .😊. My feelings and heart got broke once and i never let it happen again…it was the way i was built.i had a wall round me frm no age and as i got older(and lonlier)  alchol kept this wall insulated and thicker and higher.

Its the ppl who that  if you committed the worst atrocity in the world wud not turn your bk on you.there the ppl i couldnt keep out  my life and by fuck i tried to make them turn ter bk on me ,i tried😣.i have been like this for my lifetime . I hated myself so much i just didnt want anyone to like me or love me it was all and prob still is all i know.drinkin helped me destroy my self  helped me destroy others just so i cud make them destroy me more😣.

It is a sad life that i led and the alchol helped me do this even btr and sadder.its all bit fucked up but thats wat drink does it fucks you up.

So i started this post about loosing love ones while i was drinking and not dealing with it😣it feels like they died yesterday when i let my head start to wander 😣.theres a lot of things you have to deal with when you get sober and it isnt always fucking great when you do  and no 1 can tell me it gets any easier.😢😢😢😢. So to my gran who threw everything never let anyone say a bad word against me. I love you miss you and i wish u were here to see me now😢😢😢😢

Wee maggie xxx



“What age are ye mate?” I asked him. “21” he replied.

“What are you here for?” I asks.

“My addiction to benzos” he replied.

I could see the panic radiating threw him.but what sticks out , was his hope and will.we continued to talk .i was telling him the scareist times i had been threw.i shocked him a cpl of times i hope they stick with him.i wish the wee man all the best in the world and hope he comes to the right decision to give them up.21 is so young 😣but  all ages are bad to end up a addict you just want them to see the perils and give up that ballixs up now ,and have a gr8 life frm all ages . This guy was a lot diff than the week before  wen a guy came in .who came in high making loads of noise.   He  annoyed me but i just slap myself and remind myself that they are just not ready yet.😣

That wee story is a cpl of tales of what i am now doing with myself. I am answering questions of what this rehab the one that  helped me has to offer and what it entails.i tell the ppl who are addicts and familys of addicts my addiction story and about this rehab .what angers me atm is that the fucking capital city of  n.ireland has one rehab facility and most of these ppl who are trying to beat their addiction will wait up too and over a year to get help.and being a past addict,i know by the time ter chance comes round they will have fucking forgot or not have the will which they first had when applying anymore.😣 so if theres any rich ppl that wanna buy a rehab leaves ur name and number😂😂😂😂

The first guy i talked about,during a break affected me as i wish i had a magic pill i would call “addicts life” and all they wud have to do is take it for one day😯. Effects of pill all those feelings of panic,fear,anger,self loathing and all those bad feelings that come with addiction.a day of his life in 20yrs and what it has become.

We all as addicts wish we knew then wat we know now.

But heres the reality  there is no magic pill.not one for stopping or even starting.we have to recover ourselves threw hard work.whats happened has happened  .take it on the chin and keep movin forwards 😊


I think way to much.my drinking has caused outcomes and conseqences in ppls lives.and some of the outcomes have left deep scars on others😣.

The thing i have been told a thousand times during my recovery is that you cant change the past.but then i comes to a dilema.what if i had the choice to tell everyone (threw the pleasures of facebook) about why in a nutshell i was led to a life of addiction saddness lonlyness and everything bad that has happened  in my life.i can actually now say excatlly were my troubles started.a point were someones choice u can say destroyed my life.the day my mother left me it start of a chain reaction of mistrust  never beleiving, never loveing, self doubt and building a wall round me never to be fully penetrated.

Today she gets married 35 yrs l8r to a man she been with for yrs.it will b the happiest day of her life and i could 2day tell everyone who knows me the way i feel.( not many ppl follow me i really know on here) .

As i started this it was about ppl  that i have hurt and that i cant change that.she cant change what she done by leaving me. Her decision all those years ago started a chain reaction of sadness and hurt to me which one was drink threw which i start of my own chain reaction of saddness and hurt.my wee m8 after i talked to him got me to do a blog first b4 i fb it.chrz gavin 😉

I have a youngster myself who now after today i will not stop to i see him again .cause bad chain reactions start frm youth and countinue to get worse unless dealt with…drink is never far away and when u find drink as a answer you are   FUCKED!!!. I have the chance which i am taking not to let this bad chain of events (my life) continue on threw my own kids.😊😊

So while writing this post i will finish by …1 i hope u have a good wedding and life. 2 note to oneself  this bad chain of reactions  stops today.3 we cant change the past with hate. 4 my kids start in life is a lot to to with me. 

Bad chain reactions can start and also stop with you.

Chrz gavin.😉


Having lost the last 25ish years im wondering 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 was it all meant to be 🤔🤔did  i have  to life in hell in a living nightmare for some reason🤔🤔 was there a point to it all🤔🤔 i feel that i have beat the deamons and i can do anything now.

I beleive we are here for a reason. This isnt just luck y we were born ffs. We all have something to give in this life even a short one.we give love the min we come into exsistance.

I am going threw all sorts of emotions .i am angry it took away my young life the drink did.i am happy i am alive.i am grateful for the little i have.i am sad for the wat could have beens.i am angry i was one of the unlucky bastards who cant drink without ruining my life.

I know i have to let all the anger go .i wish alchol was a actual being caz i wud take pleasure in getting evil with it while i was killing the kant😈😈.i can sit here and think about the what ifs  but i know it will drive me crazy😣🔫.

I HAVE to beleive i became a alcholic for something good to come out of it.🙏🙏. Im not a bad person circumstances made me think this of myself😣.i think clearer now .of course i do there is no alchol in my system.iv learnt that writing helps and i just tell it like it is and afterwards i feel better.

Alchol fuking took everything.but the bastard didnt finish me off👊 i fucking finished you  ya pussy🖕.and dnt forget that😊 lots of shit and things and ppl have tried to finish me nothing has sucseeded.i am darren .a good person with a good heart  and here for a reason !!!!



Today i didnt win the lotto.i didnt get a new house or meet the girl of my dreams (and nightmares😂😂😂).this is what i done.i laft alot i was always smiling all day.i sat in the sunshine.i drank loads of cold water .i joked with freinds.txting all day .i was reading and writing and do you no what its been my best day since i stopped drinking.

None of what i have done all day has cost me a penny.gods air is free.my tap water is free,i warmed up last nights chilli so that was free too .my freinds making me laff didnt cost me ought me making them smile and laff cost nothing also.

All i have done for decades is run about chasing my tail and getting nowere.living in fear and in panic of imagined made up stuff.done drunkin stupid stuff which i regret .i drunk and hid away frm the world alone in pain in fear while doing this i was destroyin my body soul and mind😣😣.

Today there was no rush .every thing i needed i had .to some ppl maybe a normal day but to me today was this.peaceful ,contentment,enjoying ,relaxing and happy. and i loved it and i still am. I just went with the flow…  It was just a simple plain day…. Love yaz xox


Tonight was it!! The last time I would ever drink again😊.

If I remember it right, it had been a sunny day… in fact, a sunny week. Well, this is the way I remember it. My drinking was like this: Open mouth, pour down till I dropped. Nearly 3 decades of giving my body poison, but now my body was finished. It could not take any more.

My paranoia was out of control. I was sleeping with knives, had hammers placed everywhere, a bucket of bleach ready to throw into someone’s face at side of my door, all because I had made up these mad crazy scenarios in my head that people were going to kill me. But I would kill them first!! I had my bed pushed against my bedroom door, I had bitterly lost my mind.😓😓😓

Tonight, though, my stomach was really fucked up along with nerves and having the fear of vomiting blood “again”. I would not go to the toilet can. If I did and it came out pure black, I was in trouble! This was my mentality: if the panic went away, I would be ok and everything would be fine….

I wasn’t staying home tonight. I was just too scared. So I went across the road to my friend’s (who’s also a drinker) to stay.

All this time I was just trying to forget about my stomach, but I knew I was fucked and I was literally dying at that moment. My stomach was bleeding from the inside out –heavily 😣😣😣 but still I just thought if I stopped panicking, I would be ok. I continued to drink, but this fear was going nowhere.

I remember telling my mate I thought I was going to be sick but he just said stop fucking talking about it, ’cause it was making him sick. I had to go to the toilet. I went and it was pure black. 😣😣😣 Now I knew 100% I was going to die soon ….I rushed up to the toilet and out it came,  blood fucking everywhere and I remember thinking and trying to clean it up while I am vomiting more.😣😣😣 I filled up a toilet, a sink, and all over the floor  with blood with huge clots in it. It looked like a scene from a horror movie.😣

I went down the stairs, hardly being able to walk, and had a drink and phoned an ambulance which came. I took one more guzzle before I went as I knew I wouldn’t be getting one for a while. I’d be dead or in hospital for weeks.

I had a varices that had bled out and I had to get 7 to 8 units of blood transfused.

Then I saw a bus, and it wouldn’t let me on. 😣(this is were it gets weird 😂) It was my life on that bus but the fucker would stop all those times were I had fucked up and ruined them through my drinking: the relationships, the jobs, the friends. I could put them right if I just got on. I now know where I had gone wrong. If the bus would just let me on, I wouldn’t have to end up here in this hospital dying😣. Then the bus just disappeared.

I looked around me. I was in a brand new hospital ward. Everything was brilliant white. Just me, no one else… not even a doctor. W.T.F. Like, am I dead? Is this it?  Please, please  don’t let it end up like this for eternity😣. One more chance I prayed for, then outta nowhere a nurse appears 😯. “Is she real”, I’m thinking to myself🤔. “Nurse, are you real?”   She bursts out laughing 😂😂. “Yes, I am.”  Thank fuck for that. I told her what had just happened. She giggled and told me I musta had a reaction to the sedatives they had given to me during the operation on my stomach while they were fixing it.😊

I woke up in a rehab which I have no recollection of getting there or why I went there.  I had slept for 4 days straight😯. I completed 6 wks there, then I went straight after it to another rehab for a further 6 weeks. Since then I continue to work hard at my sobriety.

I will never know what happened that night. But I look at it as a fresh start to live a life where I can remember and also that I have lots of angels looking after me: some in spirit and loads who help me everyday on this earth. Fotor_150593626809619keep them deamons away…..

To all my angels thank you x



trying to swim up river!!

Fotor_150575480908323Since stopping drinking, loads has changed. Most of it, well all of it, for the good. There’s one thing at the moment I am lost with. I have blocked away everything for decades and I mean EVERYTHING! Now I am getting “feelings” back.

Imagine a lifetime of not getting close to anyone through fear of losing them, pushing away all people, even keeping family at arm’s length.

Then you find the ultimate drug that does all this for free. Well, that’s the problem: it isn’t free. It has cost me my youth, my relationships, in the end my health, and nearly my life.😣


People, I hope you do not think everyone I see drinking has the devil in them. I don’t. MOST drinkers enjoy a good time with drink. But there are people out here like myself that think we are enjoying it…we’re not. We are hiding from something. I got to the stage were I was hiding from life altogether…

Now being dry for so long, I am getting these weird “feelings” and I ain’t running away from and at the moment I am panicking when I get them “good feelings”.  I don’t know what they are: I smile more, I laugh more, I do the right things for friends, family, children. I am nice most of the time (I’m human not an angel 😂😂😂) but this is all new to me… people tell me good things about myself and after a long time I am starting to believe it.

I am starting only now in my lifetime, that I actually remember, to feel GENUINELY like I did when I was a teenager in what I know were happy times.

I feel like a kid again during all those happy times. What’s confusing is that I have been sad for decades when the devil’s liquid went down my throat. I am trying to work out what happy is..but now that I seem to be happy, I have just go to do what a couple people have told me in this past week …..