Tonight was it!! The last time I would ever drink again😊.
If I remember it right, it had been a sunny day… in fact, a sunny week. Well, this is the way I remember it. My drinking was like this: Open mouth, pour down till I dropped. Nearly 3 decades of giving my body poison, but now my body was finished. It could not take any more.
My paranoia was out of control. I was sleeping with knives, had hammers placed everywhere, a bucket of bleach ready to throw into someone’s face at side of my door, all because I had made up these mad crazy scenarios in my head that people were going to kill me. But I would kill them first!! I had my bed pushed against my bedroom door, I had bitterly lost my mind.😓😓😓
Tonight, though, my stomach was really fucked up along with nerves and having the fear of vomiting blood “again”. I would not go to the toilet can. If I did and it came out pure black, I was in trouble! This was my mentality: if the panic went away, I would be ok and everything would be fine….
I wasn’t staying home tonight. I was just too scared. So I went across the road to my friend’s (who’s also a drinker) to stay.
All this time I was just trying to forget about my stomach, but I knew I was fucked and I was literally dying at that moment. My stomach was bleeding from the inside out –heavily 😣😣😣 but still I just thought if I stopped panicking, I would be ok. I continued to drink, but this fear was going nowhere.
I remember telling my mate I thought I was going to be sick but he just said stop fucking talking about it, ’cause it was making him sick. I had to go to the toilet. I went and it was pure black. 😣😣😣 Now I knew 100% I was going to die soon ….I rushed up to the toilet and out it came, blood fucking everywhere and I remember thinking and trying to clean it up while I am vomiting more.😣😣😣 I filled up a toilet, a sink, and all over the floor with blood with huge clots in it. It looked like a scene from a horror movie.😣
I went down the stairs, hardly being able to walk, and had a drink and phoned an ambulance which came. I took one more guzzle before I went as I knew I wouldn’t be getting one for a while. I’d be dead or in hospital for weeks.
I had a varices that had bled out and I had to get 7 to 8 units of blood transfused.
Then I saw a bus, and it wouldn’t let me on. 😣(this is were it gets weird 😂) It was my life on that bus but the fucker would stop all those times were I had fucked up and ruined them through my drinking: the relationships, the jobs, the friends. I could put them right if I just got on. I now know where I had gone wrong. If the bus would just let me on, I wouldn’t have to end up here in this hospital dying😣. Then the bus just disappeared.
I looked around me. I was in a brand new hospital ward. Everything was brilliant white. Just me, no one else… not even a doctor. W.T.F. Like, am I dead? Is this it? Please, please don’t let it end up like this for eternity😣. One more chance I prayed for, then outta nowhere a nurse appears 😯. “Is she real”, I’m thinking to myself🤔. “Nurse, are you real?” She bursts out laughing 😂😂. “Yes, I am.” Thank fuck for that. I told her what had just happened. She giggled and told me I musta had a reaction to the sedatives they had given to me during the operation on my stomach while they were fixing it.😊
I woke up in a rehab which I have no recollection of getting there or why I went there. I had slept for 4 days straight😯. I completed 6 wks there, then I went straight after it to another rehab for a further 6 weeks. Since then I continue to work hard at my sobriety.
I will never know what happened that night. But I look at it as a fresh start to live a life where I can remember and also that I have lots of angels looking after me: some in spirit and loads who help me everyday on this earth. keep them deamons away…..
To all my angels thank you x